He's Out

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As the words leave my thoughts, all I can think is “He’s out”

He’s out.
The man that took my sister’s life, is out. 

 I told myself years ago that forgiveness is the only way to get over the anger and as true as that is

I don’t know how to feel. I feel angry, hurt, betrayed.

A memory comes back and I am thinking about two months before this all happened,
when he asked me for a ride. So I picked him up with my best friend and as we drove through the FermiLab,
we laughed and joked, having a good ole time. When I dropped him off, I begged him to leave my sister alone.
He ten years her senior and she still needed time to grow up,
not knowing what she really wanted in her life yet.
He laughed at me, he laughed as I told him I’d kick his ass if I found out he was hanging out with her again.
Here we are seven years later and she’s gone.
I think about her all the time, about the way things had been with her before I went to rehab.
How I am so forever grateful to my mom for telling her I wasn’t mad at her.
I wasn’t. Siblings fight, siblings say things they don’t mean, you know that “tough love”.
It will never get easier, it will never get better without her, but she’s always with me.
I want to be angry and send a hateful message but I know that would never make me feel better.
I know it would be wrong. Deep down I hope that he learned from this,
because taking an innocent person’s life for selfish behavior.
I don’t know if I could live with myself if I had killed someone.
I stare at this computer screen and I can’t help but to think that he doesn’t care or wouldn’t care.
He spent his life in and out of prison, makes me think it was a cakewalk for him.
I know it couldn’t have been, all that guilt.
I feel guilty, but my guilt is over a stolen phone and a fight.
I didn’t take her life, I didn’t get behind the wheel three times the legal limit and careless drive around a dangerous curve.
It should’ve been me is all I have ever thought.
I got into a car with someone drunk and on the same dangerous curve crashed into a pole.
It should’ve been me is all I could ever think, but I know I shouldn’t think like that.
When I got my DUI, I had two people in my car and I thank god everyday that I didn’t take their lives.
My selfish behavior ten years ago would have killed someone eventually, but I grew up.
I became the person I am today and that’s how I know I have to let this go, for myself.
For me, For Steph. She would want that, she wouldn’t want me to be angry.
She would want me to forgive him for it, to let it go from my heart.
Here I am seven years later crying over this again, wanting to be angry.
It was a matter of time before they let him out. He’s out, able to live the rest of his life with family and his kids.
My sister will never get to have any of those things, yet she has it all.
I hope he takes this second chance at life and makes something of it, because there won’t be another one.
“I can’t be angry anymore, I have to let this go”. I keep saying this to myself until it sticks. When will it stick?

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