Fixing a Broken Mindset - Keys to a Healthy Relationship

        Healthy relationships are particularly important to have in life. Whether they be romantic or platonic, you deserve a healthy one. How do we weed out potential toxic relationships? Once we recognize a toxic relationship, how do we take ourselves out of the equation? So many questions, with so few answers, or at least I thought. After asking peers and reading up on it. I have realized that I have never known what a healthy relationship has looked like. I am sure I am not the only person who has not had a healthy relationship and realizing that it is okay is what is effective. We learn as we grow, and as we grow, we learn what we need to feel complete and complacent in life. These are two different things. In feeling complete, we feel accomplished. In feeling complacent, we feel stable. Someone may strive for passion, but passion fades after years in a stable relationship. It is up to you and your partner to keep that passion. Do things for each other, that keep your relationship positive, enthusiastic, and pouring with love. Learning what you need in a relationship will help you align yourself with someone who matches your energy. Matches your vibe.

    What does a healthy relationship look like? Well, that depends on you, what you need from another person. I will mainly focus on romantic relationships throughout this blog because I fear some may not know what a healthy relationship looks like. First, let’s discover your love language. There are five, and each may be used throughout a relationship, but there is always one we need to feel secure in a relationship.

Five Love Languages:

Acts of Service: This is doing something for someone because you want to and like seeing them happy or feeling like you are lifting a burden from them. Acts of service can be small things, noticing that you always get a haircut every six weeks and they want to pay this time. Perhaps they know you buy yourself something special every month as a gift to yourself. Then surprise you with an extra gift because they see how hard you have worked to get what you want. Acts of service can be a healthy way to express your love for someone, but it can be hard to accept something when you are not used to it. Communication is key in any of the love languages and should be utilized before doing something for your partner. Surprises are one thing, but always make sure to communicate with your partner. It helps keep the relationship happy and healthy.

Words of Affirmation: This is saying things that can reassure someone in a relationship, in a sense what I consider healthy validation. You are telling your partner you appreciate them, love them, and are grateful for everything that they contribute to the relationship. In doing so, you validate their feelings about the relationship and you as a partner. Now this can turn into validation-seeking behavior if you are constantly expecting someone to validate you. You need to find validation in yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

Quality time: This is having a routine together, giving time and attention to your partner when they need it. This opens the relationship to healthy boundaries and communicative skills. Quality time is self-explanatory, you spend time with your partner, putting your complete focus into them. Actively listening, making eye contact, and spending time no matter how much time that may be. A quick breakfast or cup of coffee makes a difference with someone who enjoys this love language.

Physical Touch: This is touch, cuddles, (what I call claiming chest) or even just holding hands. Physical touch I feel is important in a relationship solely because it starts with the mental connection that you and your partner have created. It develops the intimacy between you and your partner. Do not mistake intimacy for sex. They are not the same things, and someone may mistake them for similarities when there really are none. Sex is an act, yes physical, but sex should be with someone you care about or have a strong connection with. Intimacy only INHANCES sex and gives it more passion or pleasure. Don’t mistake someone’s initial need for sex as physical touch. It’s not, and you are being played. (Red flags are real…)

Receiving gifts: This is enjoying accepting gifts from your partner. Whatever that gift may be. It makes you feel special and appreciated. Like a spouse or partner showing up randomly with flowers, or having food delivered to your job. It creates a healthy appreciation of the other person, showing them that you are thinking about them. Another self-explanatory love language, and I am sure everyone occasionally, appreciates receiving a special thought or gift.

    Recognizing whether you are in a healthy or toxic relationship is very imperative to your mental health. Toxic relationships tend to break us down and change our mindset for future relationships. As I stated early on, I do not think I have ever been in or truly seen a healthy relationship. That may be a little fucked up but recognizing that is what makes the difference. I can take steps toward figuring out what a healthy relationship looks like for me. In reaching out to peers I have noticed that healthy communication is always key to a healthy relationship. It gives each partner validation, that when something is wrong, coming to one another and discuss it, leaving an OPEN line of communication. Bottling your feelings or holding back on something only leaves someone feeling future resentments or aggravations. Which will eventually take the relationship to that toxic place. Another example of a healthy relationship is understanding that you are supposed to make your partner feel secure in the relationship, and this is not a one-sided thing. It goes both ways because it creates trust. Trust is huge and ultimately the most vital aspect of any relationship, without trust, you have nothing. Trust is hard to give and hard to earn, especially in someone who has been hurt in a previous relationship. Gaining trust can be easy but keeping it may be hard. This is where some of the love languages come in, and a healthy amount of validation. Why do I keep saying “healthy amount”? It is because sometimes we can become so accustomed to the validation that we may start seeking it when it’s not needed. Thus, turning it into validation-seeking behavior which can be very toxic. Finally, ensuring that you maintain your own identity is crucial as well. I have noticed that when someone gets into a relationship, they tend to give up some of their morals and values to match their partners. No, stop this shit, you always need to make sure you are keeping your feelings and dreams intact. Giving up your goals and dreams for someone will again lead to future resentments and aggravations. Healthy relationships should leave you validated, full of life, and feeling like you are accomplishing all your goals. All while feeling complacent in your relationship. Most people want to feel complete, but by having someone “complete” you. You are taking away from what the purpose of a relationship is, a lifetime commitment with someone you feel all around comfortable with. Someone that compliments who you are as an individual.

    I thought going over what toxic relationships looked like should be a key point as well. If you are reading this, I am sure you’ve read my red flags post, and it is the same shit. Those red flags filter what will end up happening in the relationship. Whether that be gaslighting, love bombing, or blatant cheating. It would not stop in the relationship even if you think “you can change them”. You cannot change anyone; they must want to change for themselves. So, when we realize we are in a toxic relationship, and we leave it; how do we fix ourselves? It is never simple, and I know I still struggle with certain relationships. In really letting go and moving on from someone who was never going to care about if I was alive or dead. There are really motherfuckers out here like that and you need to stay woke. If someone cares about you, genuinely cares; you will never wonder. Ever. I fully believe that. When someone loves you and cherishes you, they will do anything for you, and vice versa. It is going through that pain from the toxic relationship that may bleed into another relationship. Hey, we aren’t perfect, or at least I am not. (If you think you are, you should probably look up, “What is a narcissist?” on Verywell Mind) Accepting that you have flaws and finding someone who understands those flaws.  It makes a dramatic difference in how you feel about yourself. That healthy validation! We all come with baggage. I don’t give a fuck what you say. I am up there in age as these Gen Z’s claim, having seen and been through some really fucked up shit. Yet here I am describing what a healthy relationship is because I deserve one, and so do you!

    We spend so much time in the past that we accept our fates too soon. You are not fucked up because you let Bob slap you around and got out. You were strong enough to recognize that you weren’t safe and now you just have to find a way to forgive yourself and him for doing it. You are not fucked up because you let someone control what you did, how you did it, and when you did it. You left and now you just forgive yourself and them for doing it. Taking steps to be a different, stronger version of yourself takes work. A lot of work, and you may even trip up or feel like you have failed. You haven’t. You are just riding this roller coaster ride that is life, and we are always learning from everything we do. Learn from your mistakes and take what you need from them to succeed. Like I said before, you deserve a healthy, positive, and loving relationship. Go out there and get it!

*All information discussed in this blog can be further explored at www.verywellmind.com