The Embodiment of Being Alone

I have had writers block for quite a while now, seemingly nothing has worked to put words to pages. At least I have my wit, right? But then I sat, and I thought, I really thought about what makes us happy. What as human beings, truly makes us happy. Not like a temporary happiness, but a fulfilling happiness. What makes us happy? 

          How do you know what really makes you happy? I am tremendously good at faking being happy so that I do not draw concern to others, shit even to myself sometimes. I binge watch romance movies, knowing that the shit only happens in the movies. I sit on my couch and let my head grow with ideas of love and bliss, only to come back to reality and realize how alone I really am. Then I have my “ahah” moment and I am like, “I am pretty good at being alone.” But how would I know what that is, if I have never really been alone? I have felt alone, damned by myself, feeling this self-pity that I am sure no one has ever felt. If that was not a narcissistic tone, I do not know what is. So, I took a step back and reevaluated my inner self. What makes me happy? I love writing, reading, pretty much everything that escapes reality. Anything that takes me from my own reality. Then it hit me, I am so not good at really being alone. Not if I must escape reality. But is there anything wrong with the way that I escape reality? Nerdy, sure, but at least somewhat healthy. Happiness is ultimately what brings you internal joy, or the websters dictionary response: the state of being happy. So vague, yet so unlimited. It is a feeling of contentment, or pleasure. But how do we keep happiness? How do we stick to the contentment and/or pleasure? Shit, I would love to know, because with the darkness constantly beating at my door. I start to feel numb and insecure. I told someone the other day, that I did not feel sexy in my own skin anymore, that the self-hate had taken over and I was starting to lie to myself to get by. That I in fact, would be okay eventually, because you know everything always works out. Does it? Does it in fact “all work out”? See the amount of self-doubt that circles, and I am sure it is not just me, that it happens to everyone. It is this manifestation of absolute solace that scares a lot of people, me included. The question I have asked throughout the entirety of this post, “what makes us happy?” It is not money, or fortune. It is not love or marriage. It is not material possessions or material people. It is YOU, that makes you happy. From the choices you have made, or the life that you have created for yourself, because all those material things, people, wealth can be taken away in a snap of a finger. If you do not make yourself happy first, internally, you will never be happy. It is a hard pill to swallow, loving yourself, but it is a necessary pill. One that will bring you happiness in everything you do. As I continue to live my life and see the various people come in and out of it. I realize that I may not be good at being alone now, but I will be. It is just going to take time, like everything else in my life. As time is limited, we must venture towards the things that are more important to us. That fill us up and bring us that certainty that everything will be okay. Even if it is not at okay in that moment. I have always been good at people pleasing and putting my own needs aside. So, now that I am focused on myself, other people are finding it hard to accept. I know this will sound wrong and maybe even a little selfish, but I do not care. I have spent majority of my life trying to make everyone else happy, that I forgot what it was like to be happy myself. As a teenager, I was a mess and the amount of guilt I had bestowed upon myself was atrocious and time consuming. It had led me to a dark path that I now find myself trying to fix into a brighter one. I was so good at being who everyone else wanted me to be, that when I did fail or give up, they shunned me and made me feel ashamed of myself. And that I will never do again, feel ashamed because anyone that makes me feel that way is not about me to begin with. So, here’s to a fresh start, a new start. Even in your thirties you are allowed a do-over and I plan on using mine, to start with loving myself a little more each day. Yes, I may have been a bad person in my past, but I am working to be a better person every day. That is all I can do, is try. I will try to be better by myself, because as so many try not to believe, when you are not happy with yourself, you will not be happy with another person. In the end, being alone with yourself may show you things you never have noticed before. Whether you like what you find out or not, you can always change it.