Attention! Attention! Seek Me Out!

                 There are many reasons why men and women seek attention from the opposite sex. In research I have found psychological, personal and recollections from friends as to why attention is an objective. The logical response is, do we really know why attention is sought out? Maybe not, because people lie to themselves every day. To make themselves feel better, to be seen as better than others and even in some cases, pathological. It seems that social media even plays a major role in attention seeking behaviors. So, let’s discuss the issue at hand.

                In theory, everyone has some sort of attention seeking behavior. Whether it be for likes, comments and in my case, reads. There are certain personality traits that contribute to the attention seekers. Passive aggression and manipulation are key traits in someone who thrives off attention. They will do anything to get it. These personality traits are part of the “Dark Triad”, with Machiavellianism, narcissism and psychopathy being the centered idea. What the fuck is Machiavellianism? I cannot even pronounce the shit, it sounds like McCarthyism. And we all know we do not need that shit in our lives. Machiavellianism is the concept of manipulation and with manipulation comes pain. I feel as an American, our society as grown so familiar with Machiavellianism. It is our breath of fresh air, the stars in the sky, the water in the lakes and oceans. We drink it up and spit it out. Why? What is the point? Fame? Social status? Marriage? Sure, let’s break someone further into self-pity and loathing, why not? Narcissism has taken over the world, it goes hand in hand with Machiavellianism. Without one, you would not have the other. They coexist together, feeding off each other. Lastly, psychopathy. I mean instantly you thought, well yeah Kristy, it’s a psychopath. Yeah, maybe, maybe not. It is the lack of emotions that someone may show or the aggressive behavior they may portray. I have come to personally know someone who is the epitome of the “Dark Triad”, and it is scary to think that they think it is OKAY. In all seriousness, I know many people. What’s best? Is that they lie to themselves to make it OKAY. It is never okay to manipulate, control or act aggressive towards anyone and if you realize that you do. Change. Change for yourself, because as I said before we drink it up and spit it out. It is not hard to realize the toxic person in front of you, it is just hard to pull yourself away from it. Thus, one of the major points of attention seeking behavior. I see it every day, TikTok, Instagram, Twitter. All these social outlets used for pure manipulation, in some cases. There are still genuine people in the world, not completely cynical. Yet, I find myself pondering. Why we let ourselves follow the mases, why we crumble under toxicity and why we do not accept ourselves for who the fuck we are. It is like they say in support groups, one day at a time.

                Men and women ideally are supposed to be very different from each other. However, I have noticed, we are not so much different as we are united. In feelings that is. Having similar feelings is what makes us human, well most of us to say the least. It seems that validation was a HUGE reason behind needing attention. In having someone validate your needs, it makes you crave that person’s attention. We will get into healthy attention but right now we are talking about the negatives. There are those who take validation to another level, in needing attention outside of their relationships. That can mean cheating, and there are different kinds. You got your emotional cheating, where someone creates a deep connection with someone other than their significant other. You got your full-on cheating, sleeping with someone else. Then you got your “unintentional cheating”, which I think is just the cheaters way of trying to make up for their mistake; letting the significant other believe it was. If that is not a narcissistic tendency, I don’t know what is. In validation seeking, you set yourself up for being vulnerable to a broken heart or a broken sense of relationships. I am not saying don’t get excited when your partner compliments you or treats to you a night out. I am saying that seeking constant compliments and rewards in a relationship is not healthy. Nor is being completely engulfed in the other person as well. There is a healthy medium and you have to find that. With validation comes a transparency in which we find ourselves in the shadow of our partner. Seek to be different in where you explore your validation needs, for example, my friend let me know that this is what he wants in a relationship. Not only does that throw red flags into a future relationship. It also tells me that if he does not get enough attention in the relationship, that he will cheat, regardless of if he is in love or not. Maybe I am digging too deep, but I am not far off. He is not the only person that wants these things. Of course I cannot write something with out putting sex into it! I mean come on; we all know me. I had another male friend say that men just want sex. Now, as I see this being extremely true, I think he forgot about himself. There are men out there that would rather get to know the person before they sleep with them. Sorry, not sorry but it makes the sex so much fucking better. An emotional and intimate connection, thrives in this sense. However, there are those who prefer a small connection and can still get off, but where is the fun in that? For the women, the close female friends I have said they just like to “feel good” with someone. Positive attention in theory. Feeling good is not a safe bet, because it leaves you susceptible to being manipulated. There are healthy mediums in attention seeking behavior, you just to be willing to stay mindful of past situations. This keeps you in the now and hopefully you can have a better later.

                In the end, healthy attention is the main goal in any kind of relationship. To find healthy attention is to be mindful that not everyone has your best interests. Healthy attention is always, most certainly the “Good Morning” texts. Anyone who does this wants you to know they thought about you as soon as they woke up and you cannot fake that. Healthy attention is the person that listens to you when you get excited about something, regardless how small. If they get excited with you, genuinely get excited? That’s a keeper. Now, when you weed out the negative traits because someone will show you who they are from the beginning. It is up to you to notice the behavior and realize, change only happens to those who want it. You can NEVER fix someone, especially someone that does not want to change. This being my toxic trait, amongst others. I notice that we let the toxic culture rule our lives. But that is a story for another time. Hopefully now, especially my female readers, (because we do it all the time), you can pick apart past relationships and realize:

“Fuck, Toby was a real piece of shit.”

He was and if you realize it, for here on out, take no one’s shit. Yeah, I talk a big game, coming from someone suffering from severe depression, social anxiety and most certainly, single syndrome. I have done nothing but embrace it and flourish from it, because if you do not love yourself and rely on someone else’s? Honey, you are in trouble. You have to love yourself harder than anyone else, because YOU are the only person who is going to pick yourself up when you are down. When you are low, you can rely on the validation, the sex, the “feel good”, but what’s going to happen when it fades? You are going to fall and pick yourself up, by your damn self. Don’t be foolish, be smart. Learn from your mistakes, and grow, because being a better version of yourself will almost always lead to a better fucking relationship. We all deserve the best, so go for it.