Realizing Who You Are

I had never realized how eye-opening this solo journey would be for me. As an older more mature woman, with some still childish antics. I recognize now, after all these years, I found out who I was many years ago. I have just tried my damnedest to not be this person. To strive to be normal, but I am not normal, and I am still trying to cope with that. Society has so many guidelines that as humans we are supposed to follow. I have never been one to follow the rules on a straight and narrow path, but I worked my way to it. I have tried so hard to control everything that happens in my life. That when the control failed or was not something I could control, I’d feel hopeless. Hopeless that I had failed something that many others before me had failed at as well. That is the thing, we spend so much time trying to be this perfect version of ourselves that we somehow lose a piece of ourselves along the way.

                Looking back to this moment in time, almost fifteen years ago. I accept that I may not understand why I am the way I am, but that I am the way I am. I will not get into the details of who I am because that isn't the point. The point is to recognize who we are and to acknowledge that we may not like some of the things about ourselves. We can try to change it, failing repeatedly, only to grasp that we cannot change this part of ourselves. We must find a way to be okay with this, some way. No matter what we do, this part of us is what makes us who we are. I am sure you are asking yourself, ‘What is this girl even talking about? I know who I am, I know what I need in life.’ Perhaps you do, but have you ever dug deeper? Ask yourself why you might feel unfulfilled in a peaceful life? Why you cannot be alone with yourself for more than 5 minutes without the anxiety taking over? Why do you let men or women walk all over you? Why you may have cheated on your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend? All these questions are there, you have just chosen to ignore them. Chalking it up to a terrible experience, bad breakup, bad mood. These bad excuses lack flavor. Lack logic and reasoning, and most of all end up hurting yourself or someone else. These moments of revelation are for you to finally realize that you cannot change who you are, not for yourself or anyone else.

                In accepting who you are, honestly, I am still struggling to find a way to accept who I am. All because again, society tells us we must be one way, and yet I am another. It is kind of like the looking-glass self that psychologists portray as how others see us. In doing this, we start to self-label ourselves, limiting our minds completely. We spend so much time giving a fuck about other people and their fucking opinions. Even families’ opinions of us and blood may be thicker than water, but momma ain’t raise no fool either. In letting go of the outside negative views on what OUR lives are supposed to look like, we can finally find acceptance. At least, hopefully, one day. To those who have finally accepted themselves for who they are and love every part of that. Congratulations, you have achieved what many others may never achieve in their lifetimes, due to stubborn emotions and self-neglect. Take the time to write it out, draw it out, dance it out, fuck it out, whatever you need to do to find yourself. No judgment from me on how you achieve it, just be safe and smart and know that ALL actions have results. Whether that be negative or positive is for you to decide. One day at a time is real because it takes one step at a time to finally love yourself.