Blindness Comes in Multiple Colors: Recognizing Red Flags

    I am not going to sit here and pretend I am some relationship expert or guru, but I know my shit. At least now I do, personal experience, outer experiences, but most of all intuition. Something I think we forget to use in times that we need to use it. Our intuition is something we may disregard, and why? Why do we disregard our innermost, deepest feelings about our experiences? I feel it is because we ignore the initial red flags, in a sort of sweet ignorant bliss of getting to know someone we have grown fond of. In doing so, we take away from what is truly reality. Love bombing, gaslighting/manipulation, and most of all the fucking ghosting. I will not condone ghosting, I fucking hate ghosting with a bloody passion. It is a toxic form of control, and I do not fuck with it at all. In realizing the initial red flags, we open our eyes to see the truth in the person that we like or may even love.

    Toxic relationships have become a trending concept, and it seems to me that people are or have grown to be, okay with this. It is not okay for someone to treat you poorly, cheat on you, make you feel crazy, or take and take but give nothing in return. I am a huge advocate for healthy, positive, and strong relationships. In dating, I gather that we are creatures of lust and can be easily persuaded. Keeping our eyes open, and actively sharpening our intuition, has proven to help us find healthy relationships. So, let’s talk about some of those red flags, in my research I found ones I did not know were even a thing.  For instance, “Breadcrumbing”, it is a thing, according to an article on verywellmind.com, it is where someone sort of leaves you dangling, but gives you just enough to stay. That’s a different kind of fucked up. Honestly, I could make an entire piece on its concept and how to break yourself free from someone like this. It is all about control, and people who like to control are people that are typically toxic. There is a difference between being supportive and controlling the situation. Another initial red flag is if someone says or does things to make you question your reality. This concept is called gaslighting and is regularly used in today’s mainstream society. I see this a lot in narcissists. They break down their significant others, making them question their own thoughts. This is a huge form of manipulation, and creating an environment like this is not healthy for a relationship, nor another human being. In gaslighting, we take away the other person’s sanity, and if you are okay with doing it. You really are the problem. I think my favorite red flag so far that I have come across though, is love bombing. Love bombing is pretty much exactly how it sounds. Someone showing you immense love and then bombing all over that shit. I read that in domestic violence cases this tends to be the type of love someone can expect. Sometimes I find myself saying why, but I know why. I most definitely know why, and I hope that someone in a relationship like this knows how to get out of it safely. Love bombing in my eyes is one the most toxic red flags that can be someone’s reality. It’s a scary reality and being blind to this I feel could eventually result in an episode of first 48 or evil lives here. Recognizing red flags is important because ultimately it can keep you safe from predators and toxic scum. Yeah, I said it. I can list and list all the red flags because there are so many. Reality is I think people know what their red flags are and mistake them for deal breakers. A deal breaker is something that you would not be okay with in a relationship. Ie drugs, how their teeth look, eye color, height, annual salary, etc etc. Mistaking deal breakers for red flags will most likely have you passing up potentially healthy relationships. I understand fully we all have preferences, but having an unrealistic preference can hinder you in the long run. Obviously, for another post but just keep that in mind.

    This would not be iconic Hanna if I did not talk about the green flags. I wanted to make sure that everyone knew what a green flag looked like as well. A huge green flag is COMMUNICATION. I have said it multiple times, more than multiple, because I believe it and so should you. Communication is huge because you are advocating your feelings and beliefs so that the other person can understand you better.  There are some things that I am open-minded about, but communication is not one of those things. When you try and communicate with someone and they shut you out, shut the door, or make you seem to be the bad guy for addressing your concerns. That is GASLIGHTING and manipulation, to make your concerns seem unimportant. Your feelings and beliefs are always valid and anyone that does not think so is not the person for you. Another green flag is trust. Trust in any relationship is huge, because without trust there comes jealousy; and that’s an ugly trait to have. No form of jealousy is sexy, and I am sorry to burst your bubbles but it’s not fucking cute either. In having trust for one another you open that line of communication to create healthy boundaries within the relationship. I am sure is hard to have full trust in someone initially because of a previous relationship. That is the thing with bringing past feelings into a current or future relationship. It can heavily hinder the relationship. I think that also needs to be said, because it seems people jump into a relationship before they are truly ready to do so. If you cannot let go of a past relationship, you will not be successful in a new relationship. Green flags are what make successful relationships, because you understand what the other person needs as well as yourself.

    All these eye-opening experiences make us who we are though. Even if you have been in a relationship that was toxic, you just must be mindful of what you saw in that relationship and try to avoid it in a new one. Never take away from your experience but remember bashing your shitty ex is just as toxic, so keep it to yourself. There is a healthy way of expressing what you know you need in a relationship by not bashing your toxic ex. Leave them out of it and show that new person how different you are from the experience. We all grow, growing is a part of life, but it is up to you if you choose to grow or not. Finally leaving your past in the past helps you to find healthy, strong, long-lasting relationships.